Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This Post is About Kittens

This post is not actually about kittens. It's really about spiders. And an outfit picture. But mostly spiders. So if you don't want to stick around for the spider part, you can just scroll down to the bottom of this post. I totally understand. For those of you who stick around through the entire post, there are randomly placed pictures of adorable kittens to help you through it.

Spring is here, and unfortunately, so are the spiders. I hate spiders. And snakes. But today is about spiders (ok, and kittens), so let's stay focused, people.

As the grass turns green and the trees bud leaves and the first fragrant flowers bloom, so do those icky, nasty spiders begin building new webs and most egregiously violating the terms of our agreement to never invade my personal space. I thought we had a deal, spiders.

Apparently we did not have a deal.

And that person that I married last year won't kill them for me. I mean, he'll kill any poisonous ones but he won't kill the MASSIVELY large spider that likes to hang out on our porch when it rains and wait for me to come outside so it can kill me scare me. I hate this spider. Brando calls them wolf spiders (and also George, but that's irrelevant), and I like to think they got that name because they historically "wolf down" lots of things--harmful bugs, roaches, small rodents--and not actual wolves.

My absolute worst spider story happened in college. It was a week night, and my best friend Adrienne and I were hanging out in our all-beige apartment. The all-beige part is important, because when you have beige tile floors that match the beige walls that match the beige ceiling that matches all the beige doors, it's really easy to spot the giant black spider in your living room.

It was so large and so scary that we didn't want to hit it with our shoes because our shoes are only size 7 and 1/2 and that is not a long enough shoe. So we got out the bug spray. I guess it was the first time we had ever used it and it was under a lot of pressure because when we sprayed the spider, it was like using a fire extinguisher. Which means that instead of crippling the big black spider with its toxic chemicals, it shot the spider straight up into the air.

And when he landed, he headed straight for us.

Now the next part happened kind of like that basement scene from Signs when the alien comes through the coal bin and Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix drop their flashlights in the scuffle and it's all noises and grunts and yelling in the dark but you can't see what's actually going on. And it's kind of like that because even though we had the lights on and we are not Mel Gibson nor Joaquin Phoenix (but if we were, I call dibs on Joaquin), I'm not sure exactly what happened in what order or even how it all ended. It was that traumatic.

I'm pretty sure I ran away screaming. But not very far, because I tripped over a chair and fell on the floor. On the same floor the spider was on. The same spider that was still coming towards me.

Brando may have been there and saved me. Or it may have been Adrienne and if that's what happened, she's a better friend than I am, because in that very brief moment before smacking into the chair, I didn't give her a second thought. I was going to just leave her there at that spider's mercy. Or at least outrun her. (I'm so sorry, Adrienne.)

But like I said, it's all a blur. Really all you need to take away from this is that we (well, obviously not me) somehow beat the college spider...but I now live in absolute terror of my porch. And that I really need to do something nice for Adrienne.

Update: I just found out that Brandon wasn't there, so Adrienne needs to tell me specifically what nice thing she would like me to do for her.

Random outfit for the arachnophobes:

Pink shoes, pink lips. It has no eyes because they were doing something weird. 

I had probably just seen a spider.


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